patrick, comments like that are not acceptable and are better found on the Randomness forum, if at all. That's not a constructive critique, and it's pointless. Please refrain from such posts in the future.
Thanks.
z
hmm, another craptastic poem by me.
Arias
I. White Hart
she was not what
they wanted to see
of you - a jealous
moon in an india-red
scripture sky.
(hot-and-confused
tangled.
spitting fire and fault
from a second tongue.)
so they painted her up
in paris-rouge, and carved
the blame on her chest; Eve,
and what a cruel fate is she.
but blind were they to
your depth of affection:
mangled and bloodied,
but beautiful,
so beautiful.
in sever-simplicity
they lapsed and forgot
muses of the heart
-such as her-
never truly die.
II. corpse-call
sickness
creeping on shared souls
to youth, she caws
the crow-morrigan
tar the color of amaryllis
stars; cynosure.
the affect of the mind
on the body, horrified
and raptured at that
arterial blood, a death
jest, just one drop-
and- I must die.
III. The Fate of Kings
Adonais plucked, an
aneurism of the soul
fading away in agony as
nereis invades the
lung, wrenching out
blood-blotches from
a leperous corpse.
like Morpheus wavering and
approaching end-inermis, but
loving beauty.
green-fields occupying your oneiros
just like poor Jack Falstaff, nature
is the extended metaphor for all
you cannot have.
IV. Philaster
a mind like a pack of
scattered cards; more a monastery
and its monk, a lost angel of a
ruined paradise.
in the shadowed lea of
scalinata di spagna
only the artist felt the
darkness that had
all but peppered and
burrowed you.
(he lit candles;
a fairy lamplighter
on a string.)
and in last moments
it comes like ice, not
even barbed fire breaches
a frozen cheek.
all your best deeds
shall be writ in water.
V. Sea-shells
(he was found
drowned not long after,
a copy of yours in his
logged pocket.)
death it feeds on mute voices, and
laughs at our despair. O, Adonais.
drowned was he and you consumed
by the all encompassing giver.
but both to better rest,
the pains and pangs of this world
dissolving at the seams.
VI. Leather Binding
poor Prometheus is
unbound now.
finis.
patrick, comments like that are not acceptable and are better found on the Randomness forum, if at all. That's not a constructive critique, and it's pointless. Please refrain from such posts in the future.
Thanks.
GOOD GOOD GOOD GOOD GOOD GOOD
GOOD GOOD GOOD GOOD
GOOD GOOD
GOOD
GOOD
GOOD GOOD
GOOD GOOD GOOD GOOD
GOOD GOOD GOOD GOOD GOOD GOOD
Pretty awesome. The stories are faint...somewhere in the background, but I can understand.
Nice thought, Cal, but quite confusing. Either that or I truly am not meant to be a poet, but I was rather lost throughout...
I really don't have a comment, except that it was really good Cal. You have a great knack for language, but take into mind what Brad says. He knows what he's talking about.
I love this. It reminds me, of the poem Ichabod for some strange reason, or maybe Dante's Inferno...don't really know why. but beautifully written, the words flowed together in a way that made you feel almost dizzy, and in a good way. love love loved it!
Cal--
This isn't working for me.
I'll assume the narrator is a spectator/recorder of events. There's some minor interest in trying to determine which sequence applies to which outcome, but the reward for doing so is slight.
I, II, and IV are all clumsily-executed and retain little value. They do not contribue much to the ideas you are trying (in this reader's mind) to express. III and V should be coupled, and you will have a decent poem. VI, while clever, can hardly be considered poetry. It's more a sally of wit than anything of redeeming value.
Overall, the language doesn't generate much interest, with the exception of III and V, which I like very much.
I suspect this will benefit from industrial-strength editing.
Best,
Brad
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